It’s that time of year when the well-dressed baby about town starts to think about their autumnal attire (actually that is a lie. Our concerns do not stretch far beyond where our next bottle of milk is coming from). Anyway. For those who are interested in such things, here’s my style guide for the season when Mother and Father’s battles over the temperature of the house begin in earnest: ‘Did you put the heating on?’ ‘Yes. There’s a chill in the air.’ ‘Well put a flipping jumper on’ etc etc, relentlessly.
- Shoes impersonating animals
Not only do these shoes provide comfortable and practical foot coverage, they also offer the discerning baby an opportunity for giggles whilst out and about. I cannot tell you how many times I have laughed when looking down at my little bunny feet, a welcome distraction during an eye-wateringly dull trip to the supermarket with Mother (the woman is such a ditherer. ‘Just choose,’ I scream, regularly, whilst she oscillates between chocolate bars. In the end, she defers any decision-making by opting for both). And how anyone couldn’t help but be tickled by the lovely bunny tails is beyond me. It is surprising that grown-up shoes are not more attractive and entertaining; Mother practically drools over her favourite pair of heels but I can see nothing appealing about shoes which you can barely walk in, leaving you wobbling along like a duck in need of the toilet. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, grown-ups are strange.
- Cosy coat and boots
Mother likes to ensure that I am protected against the elements (just a whisper of a breeze will result in me swaddled in layers of overprotective padding) and so she has bought me this coat and boots. I must admit, I am rather taken with them. Or at least I was until I realised that she had bought herself a coat in a very similar cut and colour. ‘Twins,’ she declared proudly as she swirled around in it whilst I wore mine. I didn’t share her enthusiasm; I do my best to distance myself from my parents, I fear that their bumbling idiocy detracts from my good reputation yet Mother is always trying to dress us in similar styles. ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ she says, happily. I really do hope not.
- Dressing gown and slippers
There is nothing like wrapping up in a nice warm dressing gown first thing in the morning; it’s like being enveloped in a hug. And note the bunny ears on the hood, yet another fine example of the rabbit/clothing crossover. The slippers just finish the look. The thing is, I know that these are just temporary garments, fulfilling that transition from bed to up-and-about with ease. Unlike Father who has been known to stay in his dressing gown all day, and on one particularly toe-curling occasion, remained attired in it when he went to the drive-through takeaway. Mother was so hungry that she didn’t even berate him (in fact, they had the nerve to blame me for the fall in standards of dress. ‘After two hours sleep, I don’t care if you go and get me something to eat in just your pants….’)
- Knitted hat
This is a fabulous addition to my autumnal wardrobe; my still limited hair means that my head does feel the cold. Fortunately I can carry this off. Unlike either of my parents. Mother’s oversized hat that she wore to a wedding almost got her arrested after she poked a fellow guest in the eye with a particularly pointy feather. And as for Father, the last time I saw him in a cap it looked as if he was carrying a cat on the side of his head.
- Full sized bib
This is something that I’ll be wearing this autumn but not through choice. I think it’s an absolute insult that Mother and Father have bought this for me – what are they trying to suggest? I have excellent table manners. Something which Father cannot say. Just the other day, at breakfast, he bemoaned to Mother: ‘I’ve got jam in my eye’ even though his eye is some distance north of his mouth. I would say that he’s the one who needs a full sized bib.