Unbelievably, and in spite of being a wise and intelligent baby, no-one ever turns to me for my sage counsel and guidance. This surprises me particularly in the case of my parents who, let’s face it, could do with all the help they can get. In fact, Mother and Father seek advice from almost anyone else except me; just the other day Mother was discussing my tendency to ‘scream the house down whenever she comes into contact with the bath’ with a cold caller who was trying to sell her double glazing. I thought this to be entirely inappropriate, discussing my personal business with a complete stranger. I’m sure they weren’t too happy either, having Mother chattering in their ear for half an hour when they were trying to go about their business.
If only Mother and Father thought to ask me, they would find that I have all the answers they need. Instead, they continue to bumble along blindly, lurching from one disaster to another.
I can’t help them but I can help others so here are my solutions to some of the queries I suspect are troubling new parents. Straight from a baby’s mouth…
Q. My baby keeps trying to have a good itch vente libre viagra espagne. I’ve heard scratch mitts can stop this; should I invest in a pair or two?
A. Let me stop you right there: don’t even think about it. Repeat. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It. Scratch mitts are the worst invention known to baby and imagine how you’d feel: you have a troubling tickle in your ear but you can’t get to it because of a pair of ‘hand prisons’, as I call them. No, itching is a basic human right so step away from the scratch mitt.
Q. My baby’s nappy has just leaked everywhere – over my clothes too. It’s utterly humiliating. What can I do to stop it happening in future?
A. Well, you can stop wearing white jeans for a start. Mother has learnt this lesson to her cost. Just the other day we were enjoying a fairly pleasant afternoon in the park with Mother’s friend, Mother preening proudly as her friend complimented her on her summery attire when, quite without warning, I suffered from a fairly severe nappy malfunction. The napkin rub-down courtesy of Mother’s friend just spread the browny-green stain; Mother was nearly in tears as we walked back home through the centre of town. So my advice would be you can’t stop our nappy explosions but you can mitigate the damage by wearing attire which is dark and doesn’t stain easily.
Q. My baby refuses to fall into a routine, despite my best efforts. How can I get them into a routine so that they sleep at night – and everyone can get some kip.
A. It is a pet hate of mine when Mother and Father try and coerce me into a routine and they have learnt to their cost that this doesn’t work. For example, Mother recently took the bold decision to wake me from my nap in the afternoon as she was worried that I wouldn’t be tired later. Well, let’s just say that I gave her short shrift – apparently even the neighbours across the road could hear my yells. And there’s no good trying to trick us to sleep either. Mother and Father pull out all their best efforts – bottle of milk, bedtime book, drive in the car, to no avail. It’s quite simple – if I’m tired, I’ll sleep, if I’m not, I won’t. The best thing you can do is forget about your routines and let us do our own thing – we babies are mavericks who have no respect for bourgeois rules. In fact, why not follow our lead and join us for a drop of milk at 3am? And 4am. And 4.30am. 5am. 5.15am….
Q. My baby is nearly eight months old and I still haven’t managed to lose the baby weight – someone even asked me ‘when I was due’ in the supermarket earlier this week. I was so upset I had to go home and eat a six pack of doughnuts. What should I do?
A. This doesn’t even compute as a problem to us babies; we care not a jot what size you are as long as you feed and change us and basically meet our every demand. Mother often complains about her weight – ‘I’m the size of a small house’ – she laments regularly and then accordingly she will pursue a diet which makes her miserable. ‘I’m starving,’ she’ll bemoan as she munches distastefully on a rice cake. This makes zero sense to me; if I’m hungry I will cry loudly for milk. Grown-ups are strange.
Q. My baby is almost six months old but seems a long way off sitting up. What can I do to encourage them?
A. This is a concern frequently voiced at the parent and baby group we attend. Whenever Mother gets together with her cronies, they cluck and crow about their child’s development in voices dripping with concern. ‘She’s not very good on her tummy but she has a lovely smile,’ sighed Mother recently. I was massively insulted. Us babies are incredible, we go from being tiny and lying completely still to sprouting teeth, sitting up, rolling over and eating solid food in a matter of months; you tell me when you achieved so much in such a short window of time? I mean, it took Mother the whole day recently just to make herself a sandwich (I don’t know what was distracting her from the task but for some odd reason I had the sense she blamed me). So my message is – relax. Your baby is incredible and has already achieved so much already.
Q.I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at this parenting lark. I just put the baby’s nappy on backwards and her Babygro on inside out.
A.Don’t worry, this is standard (daily) behaviour for my parents. I believe these kind of errors go with the territory of learning a brand new role. And however badly you think you’re doing, you’re really not. You’re doing great (and that even goes for you too, Mother and Father).
Baby Anon x